I was on my way to pick up Steve this morning, tapping my foot ( I do have two feet but the other was on the gas pedal), singing along to an old CD, not a care in the world, until a certain song started playing. I was immediately inundated with images of myself and family and friends singing along. I burst into tears and have been feeling a little low ever since. I know I've shared similar stories here on my blog before but writing about these things helps me work through them. Usually, I'd talk to Steve but he's at work. I'll just ramble along here, if you don't mind.
It's hard to explain how I feel and I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they have been through a marriage or long term relationship break up. The majority of family and friends who have been part of my life for the past 15 years, are no longer around. I don't see or talk to them, it's like half my family died all at once. I know they are still alive and well and I am grateful for that but I am grieving over my loss. It's true that it gets easier every day but every so often there is a reminder and it hurts like hell. I wish I knew how to stop it but I guess it's something I will live with for a very long time.
I know I have hurt someone they love but what about me? Don't I deserve to be loved? Would they have preferred I continue with the charade so THEY could be happy? Are all the times we spent together forgotten? Do I really mean that little to them? I've know couples who have separated and I have still loved them BOTH. I wouldn't judge them and withdraw my love and support.
Sometimes, I think it's punishment for what I have done but surely I deserve to be happy. I don't regret what I did, I regret not having done it sooner and saving C a lot of grief and I regret the way I handled leaving but I was desperate. If I'd stayed on the path I was heading ..I don't think I would have been much longer for this world.
Well, I feel much better after that little rant. I can't make people treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I know I must focus on the positive. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been, I am loved, I have a roof over my head and food on the table. At the end of the day, I should be focusing my attention on the people in my life who do care. I'm giggling now because as I was typing this, Missy left a comment on my facebook saying that the song that reminds her or me is...I Will Survive. She's right, I'll survive...I always do.
I have one more thing to say...GO THE ALL BLACKS! I'll be cheering them on tonight when they play Wales. I'm over this soccer rubbish, finally a real man's game.
Quote Of The Day
-Scars remind us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we're going.
Can't remember who said it.