It's been raining here in Auckland (or as I like to call it - DUCKland) for days. Every time I put on my shoes to take Coco for her walk, the rain poured down again. I decided to take a walk on the treadmill instead.
Coco came to see what I was up to and proceeded to spend half an hour staring at my feet. I couldn't stop laughing, I could imagine what she was thinking...
"Why is Mum walking without me? Why are her feet moving but she's not going anywhere?
Speaking of exercise - it's almost time for my annual check up with the Doc. He's been my doc for about eight years and he's the best one I've ever had. Last time I saw him he was pleased I was off all my meds and well, that hasn't happened for a long time so I was pleased too, woohoo!. He weighed me - hate that part. He told me my weight was fine but (isn't there always a but?), I'd been steadily putting on a little weight each year since I'd given up smoking and he wouldn't want me to gain any more. He put it in a nicer way than that but I knew what he was saying.
Next came my favourite question (NOT), how much was I drinking? I used to lie through my teeth when this one came up but I decided it was time to fess up. The Dr almost fell off his chair when I replied. He informed me that I was consuming the equivalent of what was suggested for a man to be drinking and since I was clearly NOT a man, I should cut back by at least half. Bugga, men have all the fun!
Luckily for me, my eldest step-daughter is a personal trainer. She asked me to keep a diary of what I ate and drank for a week. She told me I was eating too many carbs and not enough protein. Which was true, I love spuds, bread and pasta. When hubby was away I tended to live on noodles and beans on toast. She made up a food plan for me and stuck it on the fridge. She also worked out an exercise programme for me...bless her.
One of things I've learnt from these changes is how much the food and drink I consume affects my mood. I have suffered with depression on and off for years so I have to make sure I look after myself physically which in turn improves my emotional well being. I woke up this morning feeling tired and grumpy. I thought back to what I'd been eating and drinking for the last week or so and how often I'd been walking. Hmmmm, too much pizza and wine me thinks. The last thing I wanted to do was get on the treadmill but I did. I cooked myself a healthy dinner too and now I feel so much better.
I'm happy to report I've lost 4kgs in the last year and have cut down on drinking. I still want to lose a little more weight and cut back even more on the red wine but I'm pleased so far. Hopefully the Doc will be too. Wish me luck!
Which reminds me of something else. I'm such a rambler today. A fellow blogger recently asked me why I sometimes talk about personal stuff on my blog and did I do it for sympathy. It wasn't said in a nasty way, just an onbservation. It's been on my mind for some time so I thought maybe there was some truth in it. I do like the attention but anyone who writes on a blog must be the same way, if they didn't want to share stuff...they would make their writing private.
I love my blog, I write about topics which interest me, experiences I've had in life. Writing what's on my mind is like therapy for me some days. Sometimes I share my thoughts and other days I post them privately.
Why shouldn't I write about my anxiety and depression? It's nothing to be ashamed of. One of the reasons I was depressed was because I was trying to be something I wasn't, I was trying to be what was expected of me. The therapist I saw explained to me that the anxiety attacks I was experiencing were part experiences I had been through and part hereditary. I was trying to be perfect so as not to upset others. Keeping all those emotions inside had to come out some how and in my case, they came out in the form of anxiety. It wasn't until I started talking to people about my problems that I learned of the history of depression and anxiety in my family. If someone had told me at my lowest point that I wasn't alone, that other people experienced these things and it was OK to be me, well, I think things would have turned out differently. Maybe sharing my experiences here will help someone else realise they are not alone.
Working through these things (with the support from my family and friends) has made me the person I am today, it's part of who I am. I've accepted this and feel much more comfortable speaking my mind. I'm not going to change who I am for others. If you don't like what I share...read something else!
Righto, that was a long ramble, I'm not sure if it will make much sense to anyone else but I feel much better for it.
