Monday, 3 May 2010

WHO AM I?

I feel another ramble come on, hehe!

A few things happened over the last couple of days which got me thinking about my blog and privacy. What privacy? I hear you ask.

Firstly, one of my blog buddies who I have know for a long time, commented that I am a very public person and wear my heart on my sleeve. This is true in the internet world but not in real life. I believe I am very open with people when I meet them face to face but I would tell very few people I know the things I discuss with you nutters. So I considered this for a while, deciding it was all good.

The next day, I watched House on telly. LOVE HOUSE! The episode was about a blogger and the different characters gave their opinions about how much you should share with strangers, etc. Mind starts ticking over again and I begin to get a bad feeling.

Next day, some people who don't know me but know someone I know (confused?)read my ramble, poetry, looked at pics and so forth. I heard from another source that they giggled over something I wrote (which meant a lot to me). These are people I may meet some day and I felt really upset. Silly I know as I post all this in public but I felt quite sick, like some stranger had picked up my diary, read it and then trashed it. Even as I write that, I feel like I am overreacting but that is honestly how I felt. Like my life and feelings were are a big joke.

So, now I feel quite confused. I am still the same private person - face to face. Most of you here know more about me than my family. When I first started blogging, I had some privacy because my journal was 'invited' friends only. I began slowly revealing little pieces at a time. Now I feel so connected to some of you in the blog world that I want to tell you everything. I value your advice and your opinions. I find writing an easier way to express myself than talking. I've always been that way. I don't think about what I am going to write. I sit, I begin to type and what comes out is basically what I post. Sometimes, I don't really know what the post was about until I read it back. All I know is, I write it and I feel better. It's makes room in my brain for other stuff, LOL!

It's not like I have many other people to talk to face to face anymore. I tell Steve EVERYTHING but sometimes I need to connect with others. I can't exactly call up my Mum and say...so Mum I felt like jumping off a tall building yesterday and was wondering if you had some advice. She'd be worried sick.

What to do, what to do? I think I'll just keep doing what I do. I don't mind if complete strangers read what I write, I don't mind if people who know me read what I write. I think what upset me was the fact I wrote something on here which I usually wouldn't say out loud and someone who didn't know me laughed about it.I'm sure it was not meant to be a bad thing, at least I got a reaction I suppose. If they knew me in real life, they wouldn't have done that because they would know what a big deal that is. Or we would have laughed about it together, which is different.

I guess what I have figured out is...my blog is part of me, I don't want to edit it as it would be like editing myself. I write here the things I wish I could say out loud. It's my voice. This is the real me, others can either accept this or not. I have to get over the fact that not everyone can like me and I just need to be myself.

You people who read my blog are the lucky ones...you get to know the real me and besides Steve and my parents...I think you're the ones who love me best.

Love ya
KB
XXX

12 comments:

Toadee said...

It is weird isn't it, suddenly realising that you are effectively telling the world stuff. Every now and again I panic a little and, as you know I have wondered about making my blog invite only so that I know who is reading it. I usually decide that so few people read it anyway that it isn't worth being awkward but then some days I look at icerocket and realise that a lot more people read than bother to comment or say hi.
At the moment my attitude is publish and be damned becaus eI'm on the crest of a wave but who knows tomorrow.
My attitude towards people who rubbish me or my writing\thoughts also varies with mood. Today I don't give a toss becauseI am me and proud of that but as a periodically vulnerable person I know that they can hurt me (although they never have the power to wound that 'friends have).
I suppose where I differ most from you is that I have to trust people on the net because at the moment I don't have someone I can tell everything too.
Your blogging is fantastic and often inspires me and I'm a good judge, I would hate to think that it would change at all because of a few ill formed opinions.
xx

Marja said...

Hi KB I am the same I write more easily than I talk and the issue you put up here is a very hard one. I used to write more in the beginning but became careful after my son got teased at school as some friends found my blog and read something about him. He asked me to take everything of which I did and after that I became much more careful Ashame Hope you continue blogging

KB said...

Toadee - thank you for your kind words. Now that I've had time to reflect...I realise that what happened was a good thing. A gentle reminder now and then that my blog is open to anyone to read, is not a bad thing.

Marja - I learned the same lesson as you early on when I posted a pic of one of my friends kids on here. One of my readers found the pic inappropriate and I took it down. Now I am more careful and write mainly about me and ask permission from ppl before I post pics of them on my blog. It's just common sense really. Don't worry, I couldn't stop blogging if I tried. I am addicted :)

Missy said...

Karen,

You make me want to pull you under my arms and hug the dickens out of you, just because your vulnerability is precious.

I've learned like you said, we can't make people like us. It's hard at times because people like us who need people have a hard time understanding why others aren't the same as us.

I think perhaps this instance you are referring to wasn't a LOL laugh but maybe a humorous enduring laugh as they found something you said relatable, or perhaps it touched them in a way that in laughter the were expressing appreciation.

It's so hard to tell how people honestly react to us because whoever hasn't found a way of making computers express emotions very well........dang them!!!

Anyway, when we start change we are to become something another might expect us to be then we lose ourself our identity. It's always better to be true to who you are and others can mosey along if they don't like what they are reading.

Anyway, I enjoy your ramblings as you know I can ramble. Hey what do people expect we're writers/poets and we wear our emotions so very visible on the tips of our pens or keyboards.

I love ya kiddo

Missy said...

dang i don't write so well. found a lot of typos within, but you can decipher them I think lol

KB said...

Missy - I am giggling. Not because of your comment but because of the length of it and Toadees too. Steve will be amused as he was when he read the comments last night. You are correct again wise one. I've tried in the past to change how I blog and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I'll continue on being me but I must say, it was great to get my ramble off my chest. Love ya oddles, my fellow rambler.

KB said...

Missy - I am the typo Queen. You are coming through loud and clear.

Whitesnake said...

Bugga!

Whitesnake said...

Oh I forgot the kisses...
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

buffalodick said...

You can say anything you want..it is your blog! I look at it from my point of view- a diary of sorts my kids or hopefully someday grand kids can read and know me better..

bettyl said...

I totally understand your post. Behind all the photos and typed words, we are real human beings with real human feelings.

Don't let the few make you feel bad when there are lots and lots more people who care across the internet.

KB said...

Steve - that says it all. So glad you remembered the kisses xxxx

Buff - that's a good way of looking at it.

Bettyl - good advice.

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