KB'S WORLD

Hi all,

Haven't checked in for a while as we've been busy having fun, yay! We took Coco to the Vet Clinic on Friday for her check up. I was really anxious about the trip for a couple of reasons, her coat has been quite knotty but I didn't want to clip her back too much because it's still quite cold and I was worried the vet was going to think I was a bad mother. Also, Coco has been a nightmare (in the past) when other dogs are around, she used to bark and growl if another dog came near me. All went well. Coco has gained 3kgs, which is alot but the vet wasn't worried because she's not overweight. Must be all the good food she's getting now. The vet didn't even notice the knots, phew. Coco was an angel in the waiting room too, another dog barked right in her face and she just wagged her tail. All those episodes of The Dog Whisperer that Steve and I have been watching must be paying off, hehe.

Had a lovely evening with my parents and Steve. We enjoyed fish and chips, a couple of wines and Avatar .

Went for a lovely walk with Coco and Steve today. Steve discovered a track close to our house recently and we've been up there a few times now. We took some pics , I'll post them tomorrow.

Righto, I'm a tired girl so I'll head off to read Eat, Pray, Love. I'm a few chapters in and LOVING it!

Hope you are all well.
Love KB
xxx

Making Babies

I wrote this post earlier today, visited Sunday Scribblings to check the prompt for the week and it's BIRTH. Spooky! Guess my SS for this week is already done.

When I was a girl, all I wanted to do when I grew up, was get married and have a family. I met a man who already had 2 daughters and 1 step-daughter and he told me from the start, he didn't want any more children. I married him anyway, I believed he'd change his mind because I thought people who loved each other would want to have a family together. I know that's not always the case but I was young and that was truly what I believed at the time.

His children were very young, H was still in nappies. As time went on, I became very close to them and felt that even though I was not their biological mother, I did my part in raising them. My husband decided to get a vasectomy and even though I was sad, I felt I had raised his children as my own and therefore fulfilled my dream of being a mother.

Now I'm 42 years old, my marriage has ended and I've been told that the children I sacrificed having my own children for, no longer want me in their lives. The clock has started ticking. I hear it in the background of my mind every day...tick tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

My new man has children of his own but he knows how much I wanted to have a child. I notice how I write 'wanted'. When I was married, I accepted the fact I wouldn't have children of my own but now I have the option. It's a huge decision. What if I decide I want to become pregnant but my body has other ideas? The older I get, the higher the risks of complications and miscarriage and the harder it is to conceive.

It's all very confusing. Some days I think, I am happy with my life and I am too old to have a child. Other days, having a child is all I think about. Am I being selfish considering having children at my age? Am I wanting to fill the void the girls have left behind? I just wish I had more time to figure it all out.

What are your thoughts on pregnancy for the over 40's? What age where you or your partner when you/they gave birth?

Right, that's my ramble for the day. It's pouring with rain outside so I intend to stay inside,read my book and forget about babies for a while.

Love KB
xxx



P.S. Follow the link to SS on the sidebar if you'd like to make a contribution.

This Too Shall Pass...but how long will it take?

I was on my way to pick up Steve this morning, tapping my foot ( I do have two feet but the other was on the gas pedal), singing along to an old CD, not a care in the world, until a certain song started playing.  I was immediately inundated with images of myself and  family and friends singing along. I burst into tears and have been feeling a little low ever since.  I know I've shared similar stories here on my blog before but writing about these things helps me work through them. Usually, I'd talk to Steve but he's at work.  I'll just ramble along here, if you don't mind.

It's hard to explain how I feel and I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they have been through a marriage or long term relationship break up. The majority of family and friends who have been part of my life for the past 15 years, are no longer around. I don't see or talk to them, it's like half my family died all at once. I know they are still alive and well and I am grateful for that but I am grieving over my loss. It's true that it gets easier every day but every so often there is a reminder and it hurts like hell. I wish I knew how to stop it but I guess it's something I will live with for a very long time.

I know I have hurt someone they love but what about me? Don't I deserve to be loved? Would they have preferred I continue with the charade so THEY could be happy? Are all the times we spent together forgotten? Do I really mean that little to them? I've know couples who have separated and I have still loved them BOTH. I wouldn't judge them and withdraw my love and support.

Sometimes, I think it's punishment for what I have done but surely I deserve to be happy. I don't regret what I did, I regret  not having done it sooner and saving C a lot of grief  and I regret the way I handled leaving but I  was desperate.  If I'd stayed on the path I was heading ..I don't think I would have been much longer for this world.

Well, I feel much better after that little rant. I can't make people treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I know I must focus on the positive. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been, I am loved, I have a roof over my head and food on the table. At the end of the day, I should be focusing my attention on the people in my life who do care. I'm giggling now because as I was typing this, Missy left a comment on my facebook saying that the song that reminds her or me is...I Will Survive. She's right, I'll survive...I always do.

I have one more thing to say...GO THE ALL BLACKS! I'll be cheering them on tonight when they play Wales. I'm over this soccer rubbish, finally a real man's game.



Quote Of The Day

-Scars remind us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we're going.

Can't remember who said it.

BLONDE RAMBLINGS

Daily Ramble


Haven't felt the need to write about much recently. Usually the case when I'm happy and content. Yay!

Whitesnake and I recently returned from lunch with my parents. We are both rather full and dealing with this in our own way...I have changed into PJs with an expandable waist and Steve is napping. We ate at our favourite Japanese restaurant. We dine there once a week because we love the atmosphere, the waitress always remembers what we like to order, the prices are reasonable and the food is delicious. We invited my Mum and Dad to come with us and they LOVED it. Dad even informed us what he was ordering next time! 

Looking forward to the next few days as Steve has some time off, woohoo! We haven't made any arrangements so far, we are going to do what we feel like doing, when we feel like doing it. The weather has turned colder here in New Zealand and we've had buckets of rain. Good reasons to stay indoors, read books and watch telly. Heaven!

Speaking of books...I've finished the fifth book in the Dark Tower Series, just two to go now. Mr King began writing this series when he was a wee lad of 19, and finished the last book almost 40 years later. I have been a huge fan of his work since my early twenties and read his books continuously until I'd read them all. Then I would wait with baited breath for the next book to come out. Waiting for the Dark Tower books was the hardest as there was often a wait of not months but years. I decided last year to read the series from the beginning and I am loving it even more than the first time.






I've signed up for the Amazon Associates programme. I'll be adding links to books I read to the end of my posts. If you want to order anything from Amazon, you can follow the link from my blog and I will apparently receive a small commission. Hmm, we shall see. I signed up for google ads a few months ago, which works on a per click basis but I haven't received anything as yet :(.

Come on people, get clicking! A poor blonde needs money for her wine ya know.

Love ya
KB xxx

WHO AM I?

I feel another ramble come on, hehe!

A few things happened over the last couple of days which got me thinking about my blog and privacy. What privacy? I hear you ask.

Firstly, one of my blog buddies who I have know for a long time, commented that I am a very public person and wear my heart on my sleeve. This is true in the internet world but not in real life. I believe I am very open with people when I meet them face to face but I would tell very few people I know the things I discuss with you nutters. So I considered this for a while, deciding it was all good.

The next day, I watched House on telly. LOVE HOUSE! The episode was about a blogger and the different characters gave their opinions about how much you should share with strangers, etc. Mind starts ticking over again and I begin to get a bad feeling.

Next day, some people who don't know me but know someone I know (confused?)read my ramble, poetry, looked at pics and so forth. I heard from another source that they giggled over something I wrote (which meant a lot to me). These are people I may meet some day and I felt really upset. Silly I know as I post all this in public but I felt quite sick, like some stranger had picked up my diary, read it and then trashed it. Even as I write that, I feel like I am overreacting but that is honestly how I felt. Like my life and feelings were are a big joke.

So, now I feel quite confused. I am still the same private person - face to face. Most of you here know more about me than my family. When I first started blogging, I had some privacy because my journal was 'invited' friends only. I began slowly revealing little pieces at a time. Now I feel so connected to some of you in the blog world that I want to tell you everything. I value your advice and your opinions. I find writing an easier way to express myself than talking. I've always been that way. I don't think about what I am going to write. I sit, I begin to type and what comes out is basically what I post. Sometimes, I don't really know what the post was about until I read it back. All I know is, I write it and I feel better. It's makes room in my brain for other stuff, LOL!

It's not like I have many other people to talk to face to face anymore. I tell Steve EVERYTHING but sometimes I need to connect with others. I can't exactly call up my Mum and say...so Mum I felt like jumping off a tall building yesterday and was wondering if you had some advice. She'd be worried sick.

What to do, what to do? I think I'll just keep doing what I do. I don't mind if complete strangers read what I write, I don't mind if people who know me read what I write. I think what upset me was the fact I wrote something on here which I usually wouldn't say out loud and someone who didn't know me laughed about it.I'm sure it was not meant to be a bad thing, at least I got a reaction I suppose. If they knew me in real life, they wouldn't have done that because they would know what a big deal that is. Or we would have laughed about it together, which is different.

I guess what I have figured out is...my blog is part of me, I don't want to edit it as it would be like editing myself. I write here the things I wish I could say out loud. It's my voice. This is the real me, others can either accept this or not. I have to get over the fact that not everyone can like me and I just need to be myself.

You people who read my blog are the lucky ones...you get to know the real me and besides Steve and my parents...I think you're the ones who love me best.

Love ya
KB
XXX

A RAMBLE

Do you ever feel like there's so much going on around you but you're standing still? That's how I've been feeling lately. There are important decisions I need to make and results I need to chase up but I'm getting caught up in the day to day stuff instead of taking care of business.

I feel so tired, not physically...emotionally. Not necessarily in a bad way either. Steve and I are very happy with each other but we both have lots of baggage we have brought to our relationship. I think I can speak for Steve too, our life is like a roller coaster at the moment. Outside interference has us up and down on a daily basis. Big sigh. I want to take him by the hand and escape to a desert island for a few months. I know running away isn't the answer because all the crap that needs to be taken care of will still be here when we get back. In the past, I would ramble on here or in my journal or in emails to Steve but even that was taken away from me. Nothing like knowing your private thoughts and dreams had been read by another and thrown back in your face. It's difficult to get back to expressing yourself honestly when your privacy has been invaded in such a way.

Anyway, I've decided I need to take back control of my life instead of letting it control me. I'm hoping rambling here and in my private journal (which I know will remain private ) will help me find my way.

I've already begun doing some things this week to get me back on track. Just monitoring really...wearing pedometer, researching health issues I have, that type of thing. I'm going to go away now and come up with a plan for next week. I've been doing this every week for a month but not following through. Perhaps putting it in writing will make a difference this time.

I would like to say this, leaving my old life has been the hardest thing I've ever done...I know some people in blog land who are thinking of doing the same thing. Consider things carefully, you have much to lose and make sure you have some strong support before you do it. If I hadn't had the support of Steve and my parents, I would be a basket case right now. I do have regrets about the way I handled the situation and the people who are now lost to me but it had to be done. When I wake up in the morning and see Steve next to me, I feel so blessed. He is my everything and I know that together we can accomplish many wonderful things.

Thanks for making it to the end of my ramble.

Love KB
XXX

SKYWATCH AND A RAMBLE

RUSSELL, NEW ZEALAND

A few more shots from our recent holiday.I couldn't decide which I preferred so you have all three.

There's a link to Skywatch on my sidebar. Feel free to visit.

THE WEEK THAT WAS

Hubby has been away on his travels this week so it's been just me and the dog. Well, the cat too but he's not around much. I've had a quiet week catching up on posting my poems, reading and watching far too much TV. I've seen so many movies, I suspect my eyes will go square. It's been all good though. Visiting my parents tonight. It's Friday night so we'll probably be having fish and chips, yum.

Next week, hubby and I will be visiting G (step-daughter) and her fella in Wanaka. I'm so excited, especially as I didn't realise the time to visit her was now...it's come around too fast. I haven't finished posting my pics from our last trip and now it's time for another. We'll be staying at our neighbours brand new, fully furnished home (remember they won it in the Lottery). I expect a week in the snow will remind me to stop complaining how cold it is at home.

Anyway, that's all from me today folks. I'll probably get another couple of posts in before I leave but if not....see you in a couple of weeks.

Be good but if you can't, make sure you tell me all about it when I return.

P.S. 55 is next post down.

Love KB

xxx

I'll leave you with Air New Zealand's new safety video. All the staff wearing nothing but body paint. Hehe!

SKYWATCH, FLASH 55, FOLLOWED BY A RAMBLE

Yikes, I only sat down here for a few minutes and it's seems I had more to share than I thought. Hope you make it to the end of the post :)


SKYWATCH


SNAPPED THIS ONE AT THE ZOO A FEW WEEKS AGO.



There's a link to skywatch on my sidebar. Feel free to visit.



RAMBLE

Having a great day. Went for my follow up appointment after coming off my happy pills. All is good and I'm making excellent progress. Woohoo. I'm back to my old self again and it feels great. The hardest part for me was not being in touch with my emotions. For example, I could have been watching a heartbreaking movie, feeling sad but unable to cry (I usually cry at the drop of a hat). Anyway, I know I'm back to normal because I cried over who left Idol the other day. Sad but true. BTW Please don't mention any Idol updates as lil ole New Zealand is a few weeks behind (as usual).

So you'll be pleased to know that usual KB transmissions will resume. Actually, me thinks I've been back on track for a couple of weeks now.

*Does Happy dance* or should that be moody dance now?




I was trying to explain to a friend the other day how it feels to be depressed. It's hard to explain but I think I'll give it a try for my 55 this week.





FLASH 55 - THE WELL

Bruised and battered, bravely hanging on.
Mind and body have found rythme; slipping further into the well. No longer calling for help or trying to climb. Her focus is on staying out of the darkness below. The finality of it terrifies her. A rope appears, she reaches out and is pulled back into the light.



Flash Fiction - Each Friday, I compose a short story of 55 words - no more, no less. If you would like to join in the fun and games... post your story and report to the boss -

G-MAN

If you're not interested in contributing a story, feel free to read the other entries. I'm sure any comments you have would be appreciated.

Happy reading and writing!





IN OTHER NEWS

I treated myself to some new bras this morning. The shop assistant asked if I wanted to pay $0.20 for a bag. WTF? Bit of a cheek if you ask me. I declined but felt rather foolish walking around the shopping centre with two bras in my hand.

I'm heading out to have dinner with my parents tonight. It's Friday, I wonder what we'll be having? I'm spending the rest of the evening with G and her fella. We're going to knock back a few to celebrate their move. They will be leaving early in the morning *sob*.

That's all folks. Thanks for making it to the end of my post.

Love KB
xxx

BIRTHDAY UPDATE AND SCENIC SUNDAY

SCENIC SUNDAY - KAITERITERI , NEW ZEALAND







Hubby dragged me up the hill, moaning and complaining (as always) but I'm glad I made it to the top.

There's a link to Scenic Sunday on my sidebar. Feel free to visit.





BIRTHDAY UPDATE


I had a quiet birthday this year as hubby was on his travels. I enjoyed a yummy dinner with my parents, followed by a quiet night in with a good book and a bottle of read.

Hubby is home safe and sound so we are celebrating tonight instead. I received some cool pressies - a new mobile phone and Singstar Queen were my favourites.

That's enough from me for today. There's a bottle of expensive red calling my name.

Have a wonderful day/night.

Love KB
xxx

MOUNTAINS, SIGNS AND A TOPLESS ZONE

LENSDAY CHALLENGE - MOUNTAIN



A pic I took of Mt Ruapehu. Do you recognise it from LOTR? It's difficult to see the Mt because of the clouds (NZ isn't called the land of the long white cloud for nothing) but I still love the shot. I've been as far up the mountain as the ski field. I was too busy admiring the view to learn much about skiing. Hope you likey.

There is a link on my side bar to Lensday Challenge. Please feel free to visit.


THURSDAY CHALLENGE - SIGNS



This is a sign my friend made. He hangs it in his shed at the beach house we visit. Makes me giggle every time I see it. He's forever hopeful.

There's a link to Thursday Challenge on my sidebar. Feel free to visit.


QUOTE OF THE DAY


Out of clutter; find simplicity.
- Albert Einstein


I'm in the process of sorting through my clutter. Clothes are mostly done, photos and writing stored away, G has been tackling the cupboards. I'm leaving my books till last. I have boxes of books in my study (about 500 unread), I find it really hard to part with a book I haven't read and I'm having to be very stern with myself. At least I have them sorted into categories now - to be read, to wild release and to give to charity. Only thing is, I have had them in categories for almost two years and still they remain.

It's true that clearing away clutter helps make things simpler. Not only because you have more room and can easily find things but also I find it helps clear my head. Every time I walk into my room and see the books, it reminds me of a job unfinished. Tidying things away gives the mind time to think of more important things. Wonder if my books will still be in boxes next year? Hehe.



DAILY RAMBLE

Had to bite the bullet and order a tank of water today. That's $180 down the drain (hehe) but we don't pay water rates so I guess the cost evens out. So the water is arriving this afternoon which means it's sure to rain by tonight. It's always the way.

Righto, I'm off to watch a bit of telly. Which reminds me Criminal Minds is on later and just thinking about that makes me giggle. My Mum told me the other day that she enjoys watching the show but it's a bit violent. Erm Mum, it's called CRIMINAL Minds. She does make me laugh.

Night all, have a great day/night.

KB'S RAMBLINGS

QUOTE OF THE DAY

There is only one journey. Going inside yourself.

- Rainer Maria Rilke


This quote appealed to me today as I've been on quite the inner journey these last six months. Perhaps I'll tell more about it some day.




DAILY RAMBLE

I've had a relaxing day today. Went out for breakfast this morning. I ate eggs, toast and hash browns at a cost of $2. The decafe coffee cost me more than my breakfast. How does that work?

Bought myself a couple of pairs of jeans, which fit really well. I've been looking for some jeans for ages. All the ones I tried on where the style with the low waist that the youngsters wear. Not exactly a good look when you're over 40. Well not if you're me and you have to keep holding your belly in. Too much info Karen, let's move on.

I returned home to find my first birthday card for this year. Nearly wet my pants laughing when I read it. Thanks sweet Tim. Where do you find these cards?

I've just been reading the local rag. There is an ad in there which reads...Do you want to learn English? Erm, how are students going to notice the ad if they can't read English? Oh dear.

My rain dance obvioulsy isn't working...not a drop of rain all day.

That's enough rambling for today. Night all.

xxx

INSPIRATION

Why is it that some days, I can have a day to myself without interruption, all the time in the world to write something down and I can't write anything? I always have ideas of topics in my head but some days they decide they'd like to make a home for themselves in there and stay a while. Other times (usually when I have other things I need to be doing) I have so much to say, I have to stop what I'm doing and write it down.

I'm noticing more and more when these moments of inspiration come to me and instead of trying to ignore them, I go with the flow. I've always written privately, usually rambling on and on to myself but this sharing thoughts is reasonably new to me and I must say, I'm really enjoying it.

Inspiration comes in many forms for me. I listen to music constantly, it's often easier to listen to the words from the head of someone else than those in my own.

There are many special people in my life who inspire me. Some are long gone but their words remain with me. Others have been through terrible loss and tragedy yet still remain strong.

I often wonder what makes a person strong. Is it in their genes or is it a
combination of this and life experiences? I used to think to myself when I was depressed. Why do you feel this way? You have a good life? People I care about have been through incapacitating injuries, homelessness, child abuse, death of a loved one and come out of it stronger than ever.

These things have never affected me yet looking back on the past there were some days when I couldn't bear to get out of bed in the morning, I would close my eyes and think, this is too hard, I just want it to end and find some peace.

Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist and he made me look at my life in a different way. The way I take on other people's problems and help them, which is easier than looking at my own experiences and dealing with them. Ah, he was a wise man...I used to want to slap him on a regular basis, LOL.

I've totally lost track of where I was going with this post but I kinda like the feeling. See, that is one of the things I struggle with when I write. I do so much editing at times because I want to be 100% happy with the result, that the post loses it's originality.

A good friend told me I should try writing and going with the flow and just tweak it at the end...if I must. I'm trying but I'll probably go back and spend another hour changing it. LMAO, What am I like?

I originally came here to thank my blog buddies. All of you inspire me in some way or another. Stories, pictures, laughter, poems, rambles and your comments often leave me in stitches.

Thanks for sharing and making my world a better place.

P.S. I checked my spelling but that was all. Step away from the computer Karen...NOW!