Saturday, 1 May 2010

A RAMBLE

Do you ever feel like there's so much going on around you but you're standing still? That's how I've been feeling lately. There are important decisions I need to make and results I need to chase up but I'm getting caught up in the day to day stuff instead of taking care of business.

I feel so tired, not physically...emotionally. Not necessarily in a bad way either. Steve and I are very happy with each other but we both have lots of baggage we have brought to our relationship. I think I can speak for Steve too, our life is like a roller coaster at the moment. Outside interference has us up and down on a daily basis. Big sigh. I want to take him by the hand and escape to a desert island for a few months. I know running away isn't the answer because all the crap that needs to be taken care of will still be here when we get back. In the past, I would ramble on here or in my journal or in emails to Steve but even that was taken away from me. Nothing like knowing your private thoughts and dreams had been read by another and thrown back in your face. It's difficult to get back to expressing yourself honestly when your privacy has been invaded in such a way.

Anyway, I've decided I need to take back control of my life instead of letting it control me. I'm hoping rambling here and in my private journal (which I know will remain private ) will help me find my way.

I've already begun doing some things this week to get me back on track. Just monitoring really...wearing pedometer, researching health issues I have, that type of thing. I'm going to go away now and come up with a plan for next week. I've been doing this every week for a month but not following through. Perhaps putting it in writing will make a difference this time.

I would like to say this, leaving my old life has been the hardest thing I've ever done...I know some people in blog land who are thinking of doing the same thing. Consider things carefully, you have much to lose and make sure you have some strong support before you do it. If I hadn't had the support of Steve and my parents, I would be a basket case right now. I do have regrets about the way I handled the situation and the people who are now lost to me but it had to be done. When I wake up in the morning and see Steve next to me, I feel so blessed. He is my everything and I know that together we can accomplish many wonderful things.

Thanks for making it to the end of my ramble.

Love KB
XXX

14 comments:

Nazish Rahman said...

I think i can somewhat understand what u r going through...as m to somewhat in that state of mind. I think whts imp here is to really take a break from everything and close your eyes and listen to your inner self...n even if u dont get any reply from it pause for a moment and convince yourself to move ahead by not looking back!! I too m planing :)!!

take care...Karen!!! :)

Toadee said...

First things first (((Karen)))

I think I've known you long enough to see the way you've changed (several times lol) and also to appreciate what you say.
You've always seemed to be a public person, often wearing your heart on your sleeve and giving constantly to friends in need and basket cases (I know because I've been both) but there is a more private Karen that i doubt many people know and it is there where you are most vulnerable (which is why we hide that part of ourselves). I know you liked to write your feelings (as I do) and I know how devistating it is when your most private musings become weapons against you.
OMG I'm rambling now it's bloody infectious!
Years of history are never going to disappear so you're right it has to be dealt with and thankfully you have someone to hold onto whilst you do so (I guess that's a reciprocal arrangement).
There is no harm in putting some time out into your plan though because you're not just dealing with old relationships you're nurturing a new one and both you and Steve deserve the sort of good loving reserved for special people.

I know that you have each other and that counts for an awful lot but needless to say I'm here if you ever want to yell at someone.

I always feel that I come away from your posts with some sort of lesson :)

OK, I'm really rambling now, you've had a hug, there will me more (real ones some day) tell Steve I won't forget his beer

Tim
xxx

Missy said...

Love ya Karen. The thing is to find contentment with the things that can be changed and let go of the things that can't.

As long as you allow the baggage to weigh you down, you'll struggle to stand.

Make a list of priorities. Your health, maintaining your relationship, coco :). Put on that list those who support you and cultivate those bonds.

We have choice we make, sometimes they hurt us, but we can't worry over the what ifs, all we can do is take care of the moment we're in now.

Put your energy and strengths in the things that are tangible. What you have is here and now. Tomorrow is another day and with it comes that days allotment of worries. Just deal with the here and now.

Wow I do ramble on don't I. I've learned a lot going though what I'm going through with my son.

When we can't find contentment, we'll always be searching for it. We have to learn to stop and smell the roses or it will always be elusive.

Love ya oodles
Missy

KB said...

Well I must say, some of these comments are longer than my post...I love it.

Naz - I am a big believer in listening to what my inner voice is telling me. I will try to cut out the interference, this is a good reminder. You take care my friend.

KB said...

((((((Tim))))) - It's interesting that you say I am a public person, I'm actually more private face to face. Some of you in blog land know more about me than my own family. I guess I find it easier to communicate personal feelings at a distance. Thanks for your understanding and advice. You are one smart Toad x

KB said...

P.S. I would never yell at you.

Missy - I luv you sweets. I love what you have just written because I have spent the last few hours reflecting and prioritising just as you mentioned here. When Steve and I are together, we feel really positive but other people like to butt in and try to pull us down to where they think we belong. Sometimes you start to believe it but you are right, onwards and upwards my dear, sweet friend x

Missy said...

Here is a piece of advice that was given to me.

Only we ourselves allow ourselves to be pulled down. Whoever can voice their opinions, but what we do with it is what we let happen.

Remember no one stands without being accountable for something. When someone is so busy pointing out another's faults, more than likely it's to cover their own.

You know where you can find me. Urmmm sucking my thumb in some corner hehehehe

KB said...

Missy - I was just re-reading your first comment and thinking how wise you are. This second comment is also fantastic advice. Thanks hun x

Whitesnake said...

I have always said that when we make decisions we must be accountable for them and you and I are.
We can't change the way people think so don't bother trying however the kind of people we are (loving and caring) makes it hard to let go as easily as we would like or accept that we don't have to continually explain our actions or even reasons for them.
NOW begins a new start together we can achieve anything.
Come on KB wanna catch a rainbow?

Love you babe xxxx
remember what 4 kisses where for?
Remember all that we talked about?
Look at us now hun, just look at us now!

Anonymous said...

Hi KB
I have read what everyone else has said and I am sure I can't add anything to their wise words but...you do know where I am and how much I have been through to get here, AND I am still not where I want to be.

None of us can ever truly know what another person is going through yet still some try to judge. All we can do is forgive them and forgive ourselves for allowing ourseles to be hurt by them.
The other thing we can do for ourselves is to live in the moment. It isn't as easy as it sounds. It means to be mindful of where we are, in this place and this time. The past is gone yet we often reflect on it and drag the hurt from then into know; and we look into the future. Tomorrow I must, in an hour I must. We see it every day when people check watches whilst sitting with another instead of giving that person their full attention. All we truly have is this moment and we must be in this moment to truly be alive and thankful.

I love you KB. I am so very thankful that you are happy with Steve. You have gone through hell to get where you are. Remember that you are a vibrant, loving strong woman who deserves to be loved and appreciated - and now you are xxx.

Will always be here for you

Hugs Debbie

Leslie said...

Thanks for your ramblings. Sad when you are "misread."
It's your life my dear enjoy every moment.

A new friend who cares

Moondustwriter

KB said...

Whitesnake - You make lots of sense and I love ya for understanding where I am coming from. I always remember rainbows and kisses...how could I forget?

I forget how far we have come at times. Thanks for reminding me every day XXXX

KB said...

Debs - I loe you too hun. Thank you for your advice. You are right, I need to concentrate on the future and the good things in my life.

KB said...

Leslie - Welcome to my blog. I look forward to more of your comments.

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